Testimony

I had the privilege of sharing my testimony at church the other night and so I thought I would post it and hopefully you will share in the joy and be blessed by the Lord's movement in my life. I was able to weep in worship out of overwhelming praise to the Lord rather than pain for the first time in over a year!
(Some of this may sound a little familiar as I took it from one of my first blogs)
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I realize that I need to share briefly what led me here, but what I feel more led to share tonight is where God is taking that journey and where he seems to have always planned to take it and use it for His Kingdom. I hope to encourage you to trust God’s sovereignty and love for you and even more his plan to use each of you to bring others to a higher level of faith and perspective of the Lord.

Ten months ago, I was living in Reno, NV. 6 months before that, I broke off a 5 year relationship with a man I thought I was going to marry. Our relationship was one of friendship, laughter and love, but also frustration, fear, selfishness, immaturity and sin. We were both people who pursued the Lord and we knew there was something we were missing and so we chose to end the relationship.

I was devastated, hurting, broken, and yet strangely hopeful. I had a hope in a God who has already won and wants to restore all things back to himself, including you and me. So when I began to realize that things were becoming mundane, that my soul was in turmoil and I couldn't figure out why I cried...I tried to do everything people tell you to do to "fix" a broken heart. I got extremely involved at church and with friends, I was never home and was happy when I could distract myself. But when I got in my car, I cried...when I showered, I cried...whenever I was alone, I cried. I began to push God away because he was not making things happen in the way I felt was best and (of course) would bring Him the most glory. It's so funny how we think we have it all figured out for Him. I put on a good face for everyone else and had all the right answers for the other women in my life but I began to get mad that God didn't seem to be who I knew him to be or who he says he is.

I wanted change, I wanted the pain to be gone, I wanted things to be fixed, and (here's the clincher) I wanted it all more than I want more of Christ. When I didn't get what I wanted, I pushed him away. So...as soon as I realized that, I could easily say that was my breaking point. I knew something was wrong with ME, not with Him and I couldn’t stand myself. I knew needed to get my own soul right above all else. It is the only thing that matters.

I had been listening to a sermon podcast (that's sermons online through i-tunes, for all you old timers) for about 8 or 9 months from The Village Church in Texas, and the pastor, Matt Chandler mentioned something called "Recovery at the Village". He recommended that anyone who was a person (which is all of us) should go through this program. It deals with God's ability and desire to restore and give us victory over anything that is holding us back in life, from pride to anger, to addictions to abuse. We all have them, things that keep us from fully embracing life and abandoning ourselves to pursuing God's desires for our lives instead of our own.

So...basically, I emailed my friend Katie on the day I thought I might lose it and she suggested I pray about moving to Texas and going to Recovery.(she listens to the podcast too) I thought she was crazy for about 10 minutes, then began to really pray about it. For a couple weeks, her and I were the only one's that knew I was considering it. And through many unexplainable circumstances and confirmations, I made the decision....why not right? Reno hadn't really felt comfortable for a long time. It was full of memories and pain and I knew it was time to leave, I just wasn't sure where. I had no husband, no kids, no pets, I wasn't even in a lease! And once the decision was made, I had total peace, total support and never looked back...

And now, my life is nothing like I expected. Nothing. God graciously took me out of all that I knew, ruined my life and changed everything. He has redeemed relationships, renewed my mind, and taught me how to live with open hands. He taught me to take responsibility for my responses when others sin against me and see it as sin in myself. He has humbled me and shown me grace in such a way that I can’t help but extend grace to others. He showed me my own depravity and need for him and at the same time he has opened my eyes to all that we access to through his son. In Hosea 6 it says...

Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us into pieces;
now He WILL heal us.
He has injured us;
now He WILL bandage our wounds.
In just a short time he will restore us,
so that we may live in His presence.
Oh that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know him.
He WILL respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.

I pressed in, got angry and pleaded with the Lord to respond the way he says he will in this passage. Notice that it says “He will” not that “He might if he feels like it” and he was faithful. The key is that my heart changed and I trusted this before I got the phone call that changed and healed my circumstances. I have peace and a trust for the first time in my life that "he has got this", that he has my life, and all the people in it. He has also been faithful to show me that my healing is not just for me, but to show others His desire and ability to restore. He has given me the ministry of reconciliation and in a very tangible way.

Because of that awakening in my soul, the Lord has opened my eyes to the incredible gift I have in my family, friends and church back home. I realized that my heart for the city of Reno and the people in it is still very strong. I long to share with them the Christ I had come to know while here. Reno, NV is at the base of the Sierra mtns. It is a beautiful vacation spot, 30 min from Tahoe, CA and and people come from all over the world to ski and gamble. But as for the people that live there, there is heaviness in the city, it is dark and is literally one of the most lost and unchurched counties in the nation. At 99% unchurched, it is a very different place than here in the bible belt, very different. The saddest part of all of this was I was so consumed with myself and my circumstances that I couldn’t see that and I didn’t care. Now I do. I know God has used this time in my life to equip me to be effective in that city. That was where he placed me, where I grew up, and where my family is. It is where he wants me and I need to be obedient to that.

He has used some incredible circumstances to confirm all of this to me. In November, a floral designer in Reno saw some work I had done for a friend’s wedding and called to offer me a phenomenal position at her design shop that wouldn’t be open until May of this year. I told her I needed to pray and that I needed to be sure that I was where the Lord wanted me. I went back home for the holidays and met with my pastor. I was told that my church, Living Stones has had broken and hurting people coming to them in droves and that they feel ill equipped to handle it. He told me that they had been developing relationships with some of the Pastors here at The Village Church and bouncing ideas off each other. They had been praying for me and praying that I was a part of what God was doing. I shared with him my story and he asked me to pray and consider coming back to Reno and helping develop a Recovery program at Living Stones. I told him I would pray and I needed to be sure that I was where the Lord wanted me. I came back to TX and my first day back at work, my boss asked to speak with me and long story short due to the effects of the economy, told me that I may not have a job in the next few months. I told him, I would pray but that I’m pretty sure this was exactly what the Lord wanted for me. A few days after that, I received and email from my former boyfriend. He said he had no idea that I was still hurting so badly and asked me if there as anything he could do or say to bring healing and closure. God brought about an opportunity to talk and be honest with one another, and with humility give and receive forgiveness for so much hurt. In one, three hour conversation, God redeemed what was broken for so many years and brought freedom for us and everyone our pain was affecting. I still have a lot to work through with God, but between my ex and I, finally there is peace. God wants to be our Rescue, our Healer, our Leader and our Provider. He is our Lifeline and wants to manage our hearts and our lives if we would just trust him. But he wants our whole heart, and he won't settle for anything less.

So, I was given no other options. The Lord has made it very clear that there is work he has for me in Reno and I have encouragement and support from all sides. I am still running right next to the Lord every step of the way, not ahead of him. I am waiting on his timing, his orchestrating, and his working in my circumstances and responding to whatever he lays in front of me. Talk about a renewal of the mind...that can’t be me, I’m so controlling. :) I love partnering with the Lord in my life and letting Him lead. It is far more often, void of anxiousness and fear. So, if all continues the way it has, I truly believe that the Lord is calling me to move back to Reno this summer and help start a Redeeming Recovery Ministry there and we could use your prayers.

I was sitting with Michael Snetzer(The man who started the Recovery@The Village Ministry) the other day sharing all of this with him and I asked him, “Do you ever have those moments where you stop and think, “wow, really? All because I fell in love with Jesus and quit drinking!” He laughed and said “I’m having one of those moments right now.” I love that, I love that God uses our stories of pain, heartache and humiliation to birth the big things. I know God has big things in store for the city of Reno and I am humbled by the thought that it would be birthed out of breaking my heart and moving me to Texas. He has great plans for the cities and communities you are living in and he wants to use you! What does the Lord want to break in you? Where are your “blind spots” as Matt calls them. I plead with you to allow yourself to hurt so that you might give birth to something bigger than yourself.

Thankfulness

So after many, many complaints/encouragements from my beloved sister I have decided it is time to update y'all (that's right...it's been 6 months and I've picked up the y'all!) If you really stop and think about it. It makes a lot more sense than "you guys"... and it sounds cuter! :)

Anyway, like I said, it's been over six months now since I moved to Texas and some days it feels like I just moved here. But today, it feels like forever. Not necessarily in a bad way, but just in that I have this sudden awareness of how long it has been since I've seen my family and my close friends, the people I hold dearest to my heart. I'm not even sure I understood how dear they really were to me until God lifted me up and out of my selfish pain and removed me from all that was familiar. Funny how that cheesy little line "absense makes the heart grow fonder" seems to be a reality these days.

Don't get me wrong...I have made some incredible friends here. I love them dearly as well...but I would really like to have the best of both worlds...wouldn't we all in some way or another? "Have your cake and eat it too"? Okay, enough with the cheesy lines.

So I am planning on writing a real job/life update soon, but I think this blog is purely for those people back home that I am missing that may not know just how much. For those who's voices have yet to leave my life...Grandma, dad, mom, Jody, Katie, Kourtney, Jonathan, Jessie and Rebecca...

I seriously do not know what I would do without your committment and love in my life. I don't think I have done a very good job of communicating over the years to any of you how much you really do mean to me, and how much I really do care for y'all and for your lives. God has shown me so much and taught me incredible truths and I know it sounds crazy, but there are some nights where I cry through the desire I have to share this hope with you. I long to see y'all be free, full of joy and a hope for the future. Understanding that you are loved fully and motivated to live passionately. I want everything for your lives and would do anything to help y'all attain all that we have access to through a living, loving, perfect Savior. When you are joyous, I am over joyed and when you suffer, I am burdened. I love you with a love that only comes from our God. Thank you for loving me and sticking by me during the most painful and beautiful journey thus far in my life. Thank you for your support and perseverance and for your graciousness and patience. (when hearing the same crap over and over. Ha!) Jesus said that in this life we will have trouble, so when yours hits...you know where I am. I thank the Lord everyday for you.

I miss u.

Overwhelmed

My life is nothing like I expected. Nothing.

God graciously took me out of all that I knew, ruined my life and changed everything.

He has redeemed relationships, renewed my mind, and taught me how to live with open hands.

I have peace and a trust for the first time in my life that "he has got this".

He has my life, and all the people in it...and I am thankful.

Future Grace

I'm beginning to believe that the church does a great job at explaining the Gospel of confession and our need for repentance when we are first seeking the truth. We confess and repent and recieve forgiveness and grace for our past prior to knowing the Lord. We become believers but are rarely taught how to live out that same Gospel in our everyday lives. Believing on that promise of future grace, continually confessing, recieving grace and forgiveness and living in that freedom of being exposed, genuine and still loved. Experiencing that tangible expression of the Gospel from the Lord as well as other believers is the key. That freedom becomes our motivation for passionate service to the Kingdom of God. So, rather than be frustrated and angry with the church, I realize that this knowledge is quickly becoming my motivation to serve the Kingdom. Among other things, this season in my life may very well be God showing me my role in the body of Christ. I get excited and passionate about this idea of redemption, healing and restoration. My perspective on the Lord and my faith in his ability to do miracles in the hearts and minds of believers is stirring something in me so strong. I'm looking forward to what ever the Lord has planned for this. Whatever it is that is holding you back, whatever walls you have up, whatever pain you are holding so tight to...confess it, bring it into the light and God will begin to work with it. But you've got to open your hands, he won't do anything with unaknowledged sin.

A quote by John Piper from his book, Faith in Future Grace:
"She taught me to live my life between two lines of 'Amazing Grace'... 'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far' The second line: 'And grace will lead me home.' Before I could explain it, I learned that believing the first line fortifies faith in the second line; and believing the second line empowers radical obedience to Jesus."
"...the Bible rarely, if ever, motivates Christian living with gratitude. Yet this is almost universally presented in the chuch as the 'driving force in authentic Christian living.' I agree that gratitude is beautiful and utterly indespensable Christian affection. No one is saved, who doesn't have it. But you will search the Bible in vain for explicit connections between gratitude and obedience. If gratitude was never designed as the primary motivation for radical Christian obedience, perhaps that is one reason so many efforts at holiness abort. Could it be that gratitude for bygon grace has been pressed to serve as the power for holiness, which only faith in future grace was designed to perform?"

Alister McGrath, Oxford Theologian:
"Evangelicals have done a superb job of evangelizing people, bringing them to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, but they are failing to provide believers with approaches to living that keep them going and growing in relationship with him..."

A Quote Worth Quoting

"I fear the essence of solitude, and with fear comes the responsibility to reason with myself. I must persuade my heart to follow my feet, overlook the bruises, and keep beating."
-Jessie Marie Stipech

Christ-centered?

We hear that term all the time...Christ-centered. When I think of Christ, I think of the gospel. So what does it mean to have a gospel-centered relationship?

The gospel is a true story of redemption for a people so deeply loved. A story of reconciliation, forgiveness, grace and humility, of servant-hood, pain, and selflessness. I have come to see how our ability to have Christ-centered, Gospel-based relationships depends fully on understanding this story. Understanding our own depravity and the graciousness we've received from a God who loves us unconditionally.

I know it's been a while since I have written, but the truth is, these last few weeks have been painful and personal. I sat down a few times to write and just felt at a loss for how to explain all that I am learning and how the Lord has been breaking my heart and renewing my mind. But recently, I have experienced a joy unlike any I have before and I finally feel compelled to share.

I recently had to take an inventory of my life. My fears, shame, guilt, anger, bitterness, and any abuse in my past. I had to write out who it affected and how, and it has revealed a lot to me about myself. I've had to take ownership of my responses and confess those things and bring everything into the light. I am fully exposed, nothing is hidden, and it is humbling and scary. But oh the joy and freedom I have experienced! Within hours I was faced with my own depravity and need for the graciousness of the Lord as well as forgiveness from others. While at the same time, overwhelmed with seeing my righteousness through Christ for the first time. I began to see clearly that I do not deserve anything. I don't deserve a career, a home, a bank account, a marriage, a family. I don't deserve apologies, or justice, compassion or love, or comfort. But miraculously...God's grace gives me access to all of that and more. Through Christ we have access to everything. By God's sweet grace I will spend eternity with Him no matter what I do or how many mistakes I have made. Everything is permisable, but not everything is beneficial. That's where my overwhelming thankfulness and love comes in...through discernment. Before making decisions and after the mistakes have been made.

When I looked back and saw the hurt, the betrayal, and fear, I saw my part in that ugliness and wanted to immediately make things right. Then I began to see that the hurts that have hung around the longest and have affected who I am today, were involved with the people I love the most. When you love someone, when you truly love them, they can do nothing that will erase that love. You can be hurt by them, experience betrayal, feel broken and misunderstood. I've even experienced frustration over my inability to hate someone, but in the end...you know their character. Which is why it hurts so bad when they act outside of that character. And when I finally saw the need for grace in my own life, I began to see myself and others the way Christ sees us. My heart breaks and instead of being angry at myself or someone else, I am angry at the sin and the strongholds in our lives. I see that God is doing things in other's lives just as much as he is in mine and I am able to pray with more freedom and selflessness than ever before.

Which brings me back to the Gospel-centered relationships. I have made multiple phone calls and had multiple conversations to confess my responses, actions, and manipulations. And have miraculously received graciousness and forgiveness. I have been experiencing the gospel in a very tangible way and it compels me to want to give that away to others. I have seen repentance where there was once sin, and redemption where there was once pain. I have even been able to forget things that seemed impossible to forget.

I have been awakened to the amount of incredible gospel-centered relationships I do have in my life and how oblivious I was to that. I had one very painful conversation with a girlfriend that showed me the ugliness in myself. I felt shame and embarassment, but in the end, found out that I was worth the fight to her and found healing, and joy again in a relationship that I thought was never going to be as it was.

I'm seeing this happen in the lives of people around me who have experienced hurt unlike anything I could ever relate to such as; abuse, addictions and divorce. And I have come to realize that nothing is outside the grace of God. That nothing is outside of his ability to restore. Sin will kill any relationship, but Christ can resurrect it. He can redeem memories and replace the painful bitterness and disappointment with new beautiful testimonies of redemption.

God is in love with you, he is persevering with you, he won't give up on you. Your relationship revolves around grace, and grace is something you didn't deserve. Therefore, there is nothing you can do to mess it up or have that grace taken away, because you didn't deserve it in the first place. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. He will never leave you.

We are imperfect, we aren't God, and we will never get this right with one another. But we have got to try, he commands us to try. It is the definition of Christ-centered, Gospel relationships. The only way to have true abiding, deep confidence in our relationships with one another is to have relationships marked by mutual spiritual perseverance, commitment, graciousness and love. The more we experience this, the more we will be compelled to be merciful, compassionate, prayerful and concerned and the more natural it will become. We will be disappointed, but deal with it by looking inward with humility and confession only to experience graciousness and forgiveness and eventually reconciliation. There is nothing like the joy you have when you are fully exposed, and yet loved still.


"The man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame." Genesis 2.25

"People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them,
they will receive mercy." Proverbs 28.13

"For all that is secret will eventually be brought out into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to the light and made known to all." Luke 8.17

"Humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Come close to God and he will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up in honor." James 4. 7-10

" Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. " Romans 12.9-12

Dreams or Dependence?

That is the question...

I've been known to be called, adventurous, encouraging, a visionary, outgoing, a dreamer, creative, even an instigator of change. All good things right? I would humbly agree that those things are strengths given to me by God to come alongside people in this life and encourage them to believe in the only God who can renew minds, change circumstances and heal the broken places of our souls. To encourage people to see that He has given them all they need (the gifts and abilities) to achieve His dreams and plans for their lives.

Okay, so there are a couple key phrases in that last paragraph. "Given to me...to encourage them to believe in the only God..." and "...to achieve HIS dreams and plans for their lives." Not to encourage them to be a teacher, a rock star, a writer, a missionary, a mom or a wife...but to be looking to Him for direction and have confidence in the abilities and opportunities that He has given them. What I'm beginning to realize is just how easily our biggest strengths can become our biggest weaknesses when the point moves away from sanctification and becomes about ourselves.

I've done this in my own life as well as in the lives of others and I sincerely apologize to those I have cornered with a dream or a picture for their life, only to have them feel like a failure if it doesn't happen that way. Who am I to say I know exactly what God created them for and communicate it to them as though it is truth?! I make a really bad God. I tend to hear your heart, listen to your dreams, evaluate your gifts and abilities, and then create a vision, put it in a box and point you to it as though it is the "ultimate". Those dreams, those pictures of our future, and whatever vision you and I create are not the "ultimate". There is only one thing that is "ultimate" and worth pursuing in this life with our whole being, and that is Christ. I say that completely unapologetically. Dreams and goals, visions and plans are not bad in themselves, that's not what I'm saying at all. It becomes painful when we begin to depend on those pictures and dreams and hold onto them so tightly that we will be utterly devastated, frozen, or feel like a failure when our life looks differently, and it WILL look differently. The key is to clue into those things, be unafraid to compliment and encourage, but more than anything, be hopeful and thankful that God has perfected that future and pray that it looks a little different than what we see through our tiny lens. Because God's plan will bring you more satisfaction, peace, and joy than any picture we have in our minds.

Maybe I can better explain by letting you into my own life...
I had created a picture of my life based on the direction my life was going and the emotion and passion I felt. I painted this picture in my head and could not see outside of it. I built it up in my mind...everything from where I would live, where and how much I would work, who I would marry, the ministry I would be involved in and what that would look like on a daily basis. I wanted to live in California and run on the beach every morning, meet with women and mentor them through life, I wanted to be freelance floral designer, I wanted to be an incredible mom and learn to cook naturally and have a healthy family. I wanted to be the best friend and lover a man ever had and have my marriage and my life be "a shining example of God's ability and desire to restore".

That all sounds great, right? And it is, not a lot has changed as far as the desires I have for this life...except that I am beginning to realize that the pain I feel, the whole reason I am here, in Texas, starting over and alone with the Lord, is all due to the fact that I made this picture "ultimate". More than I wanted God, I wanted this picture. Then it was gone, and it hurt worse and felt more empty than anything I had ever experienced. And once that picture was gone, more than I wanted God, I wanted the pain to go away. That was my original motivation. Not to be alone with him, but to selfishly feel better. But of course, God used my desire for change and painlessness to get me here and alone with him. All this to show me that I have always wanted something more than Him. I was so willing to give my life, my whole being, change everything...for a man, or more for a picture of what that life would look like. But I have never been willing to give up my life to fall in love with my Savior. So, I'm here and I have a choice to keep pursuing painlessness or to open my hands and begin to start over, let God write my love story, my job story, my community story...my life story. Let go, let it hurt, and create new dreams, with a new hope that God has something better than what I see.