Testimony

I had the privilege of sharing my testimony at church the other night and so I thought I would post it and hopefully you will share in the joy and be blessed by the Lord's movement in my life. I was able to weep in worship out of overwhelming praise to the Lord rather than pain for the first time in over a year!
(Some of this may sound a little familiar as I took it from one of my first blogs)
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I realize that I need to share briefly what led me here, but what I feel more led to share tonight is where God is taking that journey and where he seems to have always planned to take it and use it for His Kingdom. I hope to encourage you to trust God’s sovereignty and love for you and even more his plan to use each of you to bring others to a higher level of faith and perspective of the Lord.

Ten months ago, I was living in Reno, NV. 6 months before that, I broke off a 5 year relationship with a man I thought I was going to marry. Our relationship was one of friendship, laughter and love, but also frustration, fear, selfishness, immaturity and sin. We were both people who pursued the Lord and we knew there was something we were missing and so we chose to end the relationship.

I was devastated, hurting, broken, and yet strangely hopeful. I had a hope in a God who has already won and wants to restore all things back to himself, including you and me. So when I began to realize that things were becoming mundane, that my soul was in turmoil and I couldn't figure out why I cried...I tried to do everything people tell you to do to "fix" a broken heart. I got extremely involved at church and with friends, I was never home and was happy when I could distract myself. But when I got in my car, I cried...when I showered, I cried...whenever I was alone, I cried. I began to push God away because he was not making things happen in the way I felt was best and (of course) would bring Him the most glory. It's so funny how we think we have it all figured out for Him. I put on a good face for everyone else and had all the right answers for the other women in my life but I began to get mad that God didn't seem to be who I knew him to be or who he says he is.

I wanted change, I wanted the pain to be gone, I wanted things to be fixed, and (here's the clincher) I wanted it all more than I want more of Christ. When I didn't get what I wanted, I pushed him away. So...as soon as I realized that, I could easily say that was my breaking point. I knew something was wrong with ME, not with Him and I couldn’t stand myself. I knew needed to get my own soul right above all else. It is the only thing that matters.

I had been listening to a sermon podcast (that's sermons online through i-tunes, for all you old timers) for about 8 or 9 months from The Village Church in Texas, and the pastor, Matt Chandler mentioned something called "Recovery at the Village". He recommended that anyone who was a person (which is all of us) should go through this program. It deals with God's ability and desire to restore and give us victory over anything that is holding us back in life, from pride to anger, to addictions to abuse. We all have them, things that keep us from fully embracing life and abandoning ourselves to pursuing God's desires for our lives instead of our own.

So...basically, I emailed my friend Katie on the day I thought I might lose it and she suggested I pray about moving to Texas and going to Recovery.(she listens to the podcast too) I thought she was crazy for about 10 minutes, then began to really pray about it. For a couple weeks, her and I were the only one's that knew I was considering it. And through many unexplainable circumstances and confirmations, I made the decision....why not right? Reno hadn't really felt comfortable for a long time. It was full of memories and pain and I knew it was time to leave, I just wasn't sure where. I had no husband, no kids, no pets, I wasn't even in a lease! And once the decision was made, I had total peace, total support and never looked back...

And now, my life is nothing like I expected. Nothing. God graciously took me out of all that I knew, ruined my life and changed everything. He has redeemed relationships, renewed my mind, and taught me how to live with open hands. He taught me to take responsibility for my responses when others sin against me and see it as sin in myself. He has humbled me and shown me grace in such a way that I can’t help but extend grace to others. He showed me my own depravity and need for him and at the same time he has opened my eyes to all that we access to through his son. In Hosea 6 it says...

Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us into pieces;
now He WILL heal us.
He has injured us;
now He WILL bandage our wounds.
In just a short time he will restore us,
so that we may live in His presence.
Oh that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know him.
He WILL respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.

I pressed in, got angry and pleaded with the Lord to respond the way he says he will in this passage. Notice that it says “He will” not that “He might if he feels like it” and he was faithful. The key is that my heart changed and I trusted this before I got the phone call that changed and healed my circumstances. I have peace and a trust for the first time in my life that "he has got this", that he has my life, and all the people in it. He has also been faithful to show me that my healing is not just for me, but to show others His desire and ability to restore. He has given me the ministry of reconciliation and in a very tangible way.

Because of that awakening in my soul, the Lord has opened my eyes to the incredible gift I have in my family, friends and church back home. I realized that my heart for the city of Reno and the people in it is still very strong. I long to share with them the Christ I had come to know while here. Reno, NV is at the base of the Sierra mtns. It is a beautiful vacation spot, 30 min from Tahoe, CA and and people come from all over the world to ski and gamble. But as for the people that live there, there is heaviness in the city, it is dark and is literally one of the most lost and unchurched counties in the nation. At 99% unchurched, it is a very different place than here in the bible belt, very different. The saddest part of all of this was I was so consumed with myself and my circumstances that I couldn’t see that and I didn’t care. Now I do. I know God has used this time in my life to equip me to be effective in that city. That was where he placed me, where I grew up, and where my family is. It is where he wants me and I need to be obedient to that.

He has used some incredible circumstances to confirm all of this to me. In November, a floral designer in Reno saw some work I had done for a friend’s wedding and called to offer me a phenomenal position at her design shop that wouldn’t be open until May of this year. I told her I needed to pray and that I needed to be sure that I was where the Lord wanted me. I went back home for the holidays and met with my pastor. I was told that my church, Living Stones has had broken and hurting people coming to them in droves and that they feel ill equipped to handle it. He told me that they had been developing relationships with some of the Pastors here at The Village Church and bouncing ideas off each other. They had been praying for me and praying that I was a part of what God was doing. I shared with him my story and he asked me to pray and consider coming back to Reno and helping develop a Recovery program at Living Stones. I told him I would pray and I needed to be sure that I was where the Lord wanted me. I came back to TX and my first day back at work, my boss asked to speak with me and long story short due to the effects of the economy, told me that I may not have a job in the next few months. I told him, I would pray but that I’m pretty sure this was exactly what the Lord wanted for me. A few days after that, I received and email from my former boyfriend. He said he had no idea that I was still hurting so badly and asked me if there as anything he could do or say to bring healing and closure. God brought about an opportunity to talk and be honest with one another, and with humility give and receive forgiveness for so much hurt. In one, three hour conversation, God redeemed what was broken for so many years and brought freedom for us and everyone our pain was affecting. I still have a lot to work through with God, but between my ex and I, finally there is peace. God wants to be our Rescue, our Healer, our Leader and our Provider. He is our Lifeline and wants to manage our hearts and our lives if we would just trust him. But he wants our whole heart, and he won't settle for anything less.

So, I was given no other options. The Lord has made it very clear that there is work he has for me in Reno and I have encouragement and support from all sides. I am still running right next to the Lord every step of the way, not ahead of him. I am waiting on his timing, his orchestrating, and his working in my circumstances and responding to whatever he lays in front of me. Talk about a renewal of the mind...that can’t be me, I’m so controlling. :) I love partnering with the Lord in my life and letting Him lead. It is far more often, void of anxiousness and fear. So, if all continues the way it has, I truly believe that the Lord is calling me to move back to Reno this summer and help start a Redeeming Recovery Ministry there and we could use your prayers.

I was sitting with Michael Snetzer(The man who started the Recovery@The Village Ministry) the other day sharing all of this with him and I asked him, “Do you ever have those moments where you stop and think, “wow, really? All because I fell in love with Jesus and quit drinking!” He laughed and said “I’m having one of those moments right now.” I love that, I love that God uses our stories of pain, heartache and humiliation to birth the big things. I know God has big things in store for the city of Reno and I am humbled by the thought that it would be birthed out of breaking my heart and moving me to Texas. He has great plans for the cities and communities you are living in and he wants to use you! What does the Lord want to break in you? Where are your “blind spots” as Matt calls them. I plead with you to allow yourself to hurt so that you might give birth to something bigger than yourself.