Thankfulness

So after many, many complaints/encouragements from my beloved sister I have decided it is time to update y'all (that's right...it's been 6 months and I've picked up the y'all!) If you really stop and think about it. It makes a lot more sense than "you guys"... and it sounds cuter! :)

Anyway, like I said, it's been over six months now since I moved to Texas and some days it feels like I just moved here. But today, it feels like forever. Not necessarily in a bad way, but just in that I have this sudden awareness of how long it has been since I've seen my family and my close friends, the people I hold dearest to my heart. I'm not even sure I understood how dear they really were to me until God lifted me up and out of my selfish pain and removed me from all that was familiar. Funny how that cheesy little line "absense makes the heart grow fonder" seems to be a reality these days.

Don't get me wrong...I have made some incredible friends here. I love them dearly as well...but I would really like to have the best of both worlds...wouldn't we all in some way or another? "Have your cake and eat it too"? Okay, enough with the cheesy lines.

So I am planning on writing a real job/life update soon, but I think this blog is purely for those people back home that I am missing that may not know just how much. For those who's voices have yet to leave my life...Grandma, dad, mom, Jody, Katie, Kourtney, Jonathan, Jessie and Rebecca...

I seriously do not know what I would do without your committment and love in my life. I don't think I have done a very good job of communicating over the years to any of you how much you really do mean to me, and how much I really do care for y'all and for your lives. God has shown me so much and taught me incredible truths and I know it sounds crazy, but there are some nights where I cry through the desire I have to share this hope with you. I long to see y'all be free, full of joy and a hope for the future. Understanding that you are loved fully and motivated to live passionately. I want everything for your lives and would do anything to help y'all attain all that we have access to through a living, loving, perfect Savior. When you are joyous, I am over joyed and when you suffer, I am burdened. I love you with a love that only comes from our God. Thank you for loving me and sticking by me during the most painful and beautiful journey thus far in my life. Thank you for your support and perseverance and for your graciousness and patience. (when hearing the same crap over and over. Ha!) Jesus said that in this life we will have trouble, so when yours hits...you know where I am. I thank the Lord everyday for you.

I miss u.

Overwhelmed

My life is nothing like I expected. Nothing.

God graciously took me out of all that I knew, ruined my life and changed everything.

He has redeemed relationships, renewed my mind, and taught me how to live with open hands.

I have peace and a trust for the first time in my life that "he has got this".

He has my life, and all the people in it...and I am thankful.

Future Grace

I'm beginning to believe that the church does a great job at explaining the Gospel of confession and our need for repentance when we are first seeking the truth. We confess and repent and recieve forgiveness and grace for our past prior to knowing the Lord. We become believers but are rarely taught how to live out that same Gospel in our everyday lives. Believing on that promise of future grace, continually confessing, recieving grace and forgiveness and living in that freedom of being exposed, genuine and still loved. Experiencing that tangible expression of the Gospel from the Lord as well as other believers is the key. That freedom becomes our motivation for passionate service to the Kingdom of God. So, rather than be frustrated and angry with the church, I realize that this knowledge is quickly becoming my motivation to serve the Kingdom. Among other things, this season in my life may very well be God showing me my role in the body of Christ. I get excited and passionate about this idea of redemption, healing and restoration. My perspective on the Lord and my faith in his ability to do miracles in the hearts and minds of believers is stirring something in me so strong. I'm looking forward to what ever the Lord has planned for this. Whatever it is that is holding you back, whatever walls you have up, whatever pain you are holding so tight to...confess it, bring it into the light and God will begin to work with it. But you've got to open your hands, he won't do anything with unaknowledged sin.

A quote by John Piper from his book, Faith in Future Grace:
"She taught me to live my life between two lines of 'Amazing Grace'... 'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far' The second line: 'And grace will lead me home.' Before I could explain it, I learned that believing the first line fortifies faith in the second line; and believing the second line empowers radical obedience to Jesus."
"...the Bible rarely, if ever, motivates Christian living with gratitude. Yet this is almost universally presented in the chuch as the 'driving force in authentic Christian living.' I agree that gratitude is beautiful and utterly indespensable Christian affection. No one is saved, who doesn't have it. But you will search the Bible in vain for explicit connections between gratitude and obedience. If gratitude was never designed as the primary motivation for radical Christian obedience, perhaps that is one reason so many efforts at holiness abort. Could it be that gratitude for bygon grace has been pressed to serve as the power for holiness, which only faith in future grace was designed to perform?"

Alister McGrath, Oxford Theologian:
"Evangelicals have done a superb job of evangelizing people, bringing them to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, but they are failing to provide believers with approaches to living that keep them going and growing in relationship with him..."

A Quote Worth Quoting

"I fear the essence of solitude, and with fear comes the responsibility to reason with myself. I must persuade my heart to follow my feet, overlook the bruises, and keep beating."
-Jessie Marie Stipech

Christ-centered?

We hear that term all the time...Christ-centered. When I think of Christ, I think of the gospel. So what does it mean to have a gospel-centered relationship?

The gospel is a true story of redemption for a people so deeply loved. A story of reconciliation, forgiveness, grace and humility, of servant-hood, pain, and selflessness. I have come to see how our ability to have Christ-centered, Gospel-based relationships depends fully on understanding this story. Understanding our own depravity and the graciousness we've received from a God who loves us unconditionally.

I know it's been a while since I have written, but the truth is, these last few weeks have been painful and personal. I sat down a few times to write and just felt at a loss for how to explain all that I am learning and how the Lord has been breaking my heart and renewing my mind. But recently, I have experienced a joy unlike any I have before and I finally feel compelled to share.

I recently had to take an inventory of my life. My fears, shame, guilt, anger, bitterness, and any abuse in my past. I had to write out who it affected and how, and it has revealed a lot to me about myself. I've had to take ownership of my responses and confess those things and bring everything into the light. I am fully exposed, nothing is hidden, and it is humbling and scary. But oh the joy and freedom I have experienced! Within hours I was faced with my own depravity and need for the graciousness of the Lord as well as forgiveness from others. While at the same time, overwhelmed with seeing my righteousness through Christ for the first time. I began to see clearly that I do not deserve anything. I don't deserve a career, a home, a bank account, a marriage, a family. I don't deserve apologies, or justice, compassion or love, or comfort. But miraculously...God's grace gives me access to all of that and more. Through Christ we have access to everything. By God's sweet grace I will spend eternity with Him no matter what I do or how many mistakes I have made. Everything is permisable, but not everything is beneficial. That's where my overwhelming thankfulness and love comes in...through discernment. Before making decisions and after the mistakes have been made.

When I looked back and saw the hurt, the betrayal, and fear, I saw my part in that ugliness and wanted to immediately make things right. Then I began to see that the hurts that have hung around the longest and have affected who I am today, were involved with the people I love the most. When you love someone, when you truly love them, they can do nothing that will erase that love. You can be hurt by them, experience betrayal, feel broken and misunderstood. I've even experienced frustration over my inability to hate someone, but in the end...you know their character. Which is why it hurts so bad when they act outside of that character. And when I finally saw the need for grace in my own life, I began to see myself and others the way Christ sees us. My heart breaks and instead of being angry at myself or someone else, I am angry at the sin and the strongholds in our lives. I see that God is doing things in other's lives just as much as he is in mine and I am able to pray with more freedom and selflessness than ever before.

Which brings me back to the Gospel-centered relationships. I have made multiple phone calls and had multiple conversations to confess my responses, actions, and manipulations. And have miraculously received graciousness and forgiveness. I have been experiencing the gospel in a very tangible way and it compels me to want to give that away to others. I have seen repentance where there was once sin, and redemption where there was once pain. I have even been able to forget things that seemed impossible to forget.

I have been awakened to the amount of incredible gospel-centered relationships I do have in my life and how oblivious I was to that. I had one very painful conversation with a girlfriend that showed me the ugliness in myself. I felt shame and embarassment, but in the end, found out that I was worth the fight to her and found healing, and joy again in a relationship that I thought was never going to be as it was.

I'm seeing this happen in the lives of people around me who have experienced hurt unlike anything I could ever relate to such as; abuse, addictions and divorce. And I have come to realize that nothing is outside the grace of God. That nothing is outside of his ability to restore. Sin will kill any relationship, but Christ can resurrect it. He can redeem memories and replace the painful bitterness and disappointment with new beautiful testimonies of redemption.

God is in love with you, he is persevering with you, he won't give up on you. Your relationship revolves around grace, and grace is something you didn't deserve. Therefore, there is nothing you can do to mess it up or have that grace taken away, because you didn't deserve it in the first place. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. He will never leave you.

We are imperfect, we aren't God, and we will never get this right with one another. But we have got to try, he commands us to try. It is the definition of Christ-centered, Gospel relationships. The only way to have true abiding, deep confidence in our relationships with one another is to have relationships marked by mutual spiritual perseverance, commitment, graciousness and love. The more we experience this, the more we will be compelled to be merciful, compassionate, prayerful and concerned and the more natural it will become. We will be disappointed, but deal with it by looking inward with humility and confession only to experience graciousness and forgiveness and eventually reconciliation. There is nothing like the joy you have when you are fully exposed, and yet loved still.


"The man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame." Genesis 2.25

"People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them,
they will receive mercy." Proverbs 28.13

"For all that is secret will eventually be brought out into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to the light and made known to all." Luke 8.17

"Humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Come close to God and he will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up in honor." James 4. 7-10

" Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. " Romans 12.9-12

Dreams or Dependence?

That is the question...

I've been known to be called, adventurous, encouraging, a visionary, outgoing, a dreamer, creative, even an instigator of change. All good things right? I would humbly agree that those things are strengths given to me by God to come alongside people in this life and encourage them to believe in the only God who can renew minds, change circumstances and heal the broken places of our souls. To encourage people to see that He has given them all they need (the gifts and abilities) to achieve His dreams and plans for their lives.

Okay, so there are a couple key phrases in that last paragraph. "Given to me...to encourage them to believe in the only God..." and "...to achieve HIS dreams and plans for their lives." Not to encourage them to be a teacher, a rock star, a writer, a missionary, a mom or a wife...but to be looking to Him for direction and have confidence in the abilities and opportunities that He has given them. What I'm beginning to realize is just how easily our biggest strengths can become our biggest weaknesses when the point moves away from sanctification and becomes about ourselves.

I've done this in my own life as well as in the lives of others and I sincerely apologize to those I have cornered with a dream or a picture for their life, only to have them feel like a failure if it doesn't happen that way. Who am I to say I know exactly what God created them for and communicate it to them as though it is truth?! I make a really bad God. I tend to hear your heart, listen to your dreams, evaluate your gifts and abilities, and then create a vision, put it in a box and point you to it as though it is the "ultimate". Those dreams, those pictures of our future, and whatever vision you and I create are not the "ultimate". There is only one thing that is "ultimate" and worth pursuing in this life with our whole being, and that is Christ. I say that completely unapologetically. Dreams and goals, visions and plans are not bad in themselves, that's not what I'm saying at all. It becomes painful when we begin to depend on those pictures and dreams and hold onto them so tightly that we will be utterly devastated, frozen, or feel like a failure when our life looks differently, and it WILL look differently. The key is to clue into those things, be unafraid to compliment and encourage, but more than anything, be hopeful and thankful that God has perfected that future and pray that it looks a little different than what we see through our tiny lens. Because God's plan will bring you more satisfaction, peace, and joy than any picture we have in our minds.

Maybe I can better explain by letting you into my own life...
I had created a picture of my life based on the direction my life was going and the emotion and passion I felt. I painted this picture in my head and could not see outside of it. I built it up in my mind...everything from where I would live, where and how much I would work, who I would marry, the ministry I would be involved in and what that would look like on a daily basis. I wanted to live in California and run on the beach every morning, meet with women and mentor them through life, I wanted to be freelance floral designer, I wanted to be an incredible mom and learn to cook naturally and have a healthy family. I wanted to be the best friend and lover a man ever had and have my marriage and my life be "a shining example of God's ability and desire to restore".

That all sounds great, right? And it is, not a lot has changed as far as the desires I have for this life...except that I am beginning to realize that the pain I feel, the whole reason I am here, in Texas, starting over and alone with the Lord, is all due to the fact that I made this picture "ultimate". More than I wanted God, I wanted this picture. Then it was gone, and it hurt worse and felt more empty than anything I had ever experienced. And once that picture was gone, more than I wanted God, I wanted the pain to go away. That was my original motivation. Not to be alone with him, but to selfishly feel better. But of course, God used my desire for change and painlessness to get me here and alone with him. All this to show me that I have always wanted something more than Him. I was so willing to give my life, my whole being, change everything...for a man, or more for a picture of what that life would look like. But I have never been willing to give up my life to fall in love with my Savior. So, I'm here and I have a choice to keep pursuing painlessness or to open my hands and begin to start over, let God write my love story, my job story, my community story...my life story. Let go, let it hurt, and create new dreams, with a new hope that God has something better than what I see.

I love the weather here!

I know very little about the weather here. All I really know is that if the wind is blowing real hard, it's hailing and the sky is turning a flourecent green, you should get to the lowest part of your home and sit in a bathtub. ha! Aside from the very slim chance that will happen, the thunderstorms here are incredible! I love thunder, I love lightning and I love warm rain. I could dance around or go running in that weather any day! I was driving around the other day doing some inspections and I drove through this storm. In two of the pictures you can even see what a cloud looks like when it starts to rotate and drop below the others. (Or so I was told, like I said, I don't know much about all this yet, oh and don't worry mom and dad, I didn't do anything stupid, I just have a really great zoom on my camera. Besides they are very common and almost never turn into a tornado.) ha :) Anyway, I was reminded of God's awsomeness and power. You can really feel his strength and control when in the midst of a storm that turns the sky black and bursts into light in a moment. Enjoy the pics!