Dreams or Dependence?

That is the question...

I've been known to be called, adventurous, encouraging, a visionary, outgoing, a dreamer, creative, even an instigator of change. All good things right? I would humbly agree that those things are strengths given to me by God to come alongside people in this life and encourage them to believe in the only God who can renew minds, change circumstances and heal the broken places of our souls. To encourage people to see that He has given them all they need (the gifts and abilities) to achieve His dreams and plans for their lives.

Okay, so there are a couple key phrases in that last paragraph. "Given to me...to encourage them to believe in the only God..." and "...to achieve HIS dreams and plans for their lives." Not to encourage them to be a teacher, a rock star, a writer, a missionary, a mom or a wife...but to be looking to Him for direction and have confidence in the abilities and opportunities that He has given them. What I'm beginning to realize is just how easily our biggest strengths can become our biggest weaknesses when the point moves away from sanctification and becomes about ourselves.

I've done this in my own life as well as in the lives of others and I sincerely apologize to those I have cornered with a dream or a picture for their life, only to have them feel like a failure if it doesn't happen that way. Who am I to say I know exactly what God created them for and communicate it to them as though it is truth?! I make a really bad God. I tend to hear your heart, listen to your dreams, evaluate your gifts and abilities, and then create a vision, put it in a box and point you to it as though it is the "ultimate". Those dreams, those pictures of our future, and whatever vision you and I create are not the "ultimate". There is only one thing that is "ultimate" and worth pursuing in this life with our whole being, and that is Christ. I say that completely unapologetically. Dreams and goals, visions and plans are not bad in themselves, that's not what I'm saying at all. It becomes painful when we begin to depend on those pictures and dreams and hold onto them so tightly that we will be utterly devastated, frozen, or feel like a failure when our life looks differently, and it WILL look differently. The key is to clue into those things, be unafraid to compliment and encourage, but more than anything, be hopeful and thankful that God has perfected that future and pray that it looks a little different than what we see through our tiny lens. Because God's plan will bring you more satisfaction, peace, and joy than any picture we have in our minds.

Maybe I can better explain by letting you into my own life...
I had created a picture of my life based on the direction my life was going and the emotion and passion I felt. I painted this picture in my head and could not see outside of it. I built it up in my mind...everything from where I would live, where and how much I would work, who I would marry, the ministry I would be involved in and what that would look like on a daily basis. I wanted to live in California and run on the beach every morning, meet with women and mentor them through life, I wanted to be freelance floral designer, I wanted to be an incredible mom and learn to cook naturally and have a healthy family. I wanted to be the best friend and lover a man ever had and have my marriage and my life be "a shining example of God's ability and desire to restore".

That all sounds great, right? And it is, not a lot has changed as far as the desires I have for this life...except that I am beginning to realize that the pain I feel, the whole reason I am here, in Texas, starting over and alone with the Lord, is all due to the fact that I made this picture "ultimate". More than I wanted God, I wanted this picture. Then it was gone, and it hurt worse and felt more empty than anything I had ever experienced. And once that picture was gone, more than I wanted God, I wanted the pain to go away. That was my original motivation. Not to be alone with him, but to selfishly feel better. But of course, God used my desire for change and painlessness to get me here and alone with him. All this to show me that I have always wanted something more than Him. I was so willing to give my life, my whole being, change everything...for a man, or more for a picture of what that life would look like. But I have never been willing to give up my life to fall in love with my Savior. So, I'm here and I have a choice to keep pursuing painlessness or to open my hands and begin to start over, let God write my love story, my job story, my community story...my life story. Let go, let it hurt, and create new dreams, with a new hope that God has something better than what I see.