Dreams or Dependence?

That is the question...

I've been known to be called, adventurous, encouraging, a visionary, outgoing, a dreamer, creative, even an instigator of change. All good things right? I would humbly agree that those things are strengths given to me by God to come alongside people in this life and encourage them to believe in the only God who can renew minds, change circumstances and heal the broken places of our souls. To encourage people to see that He has given them all they need (the gifts and abilities) to achieve His dreams and plans for their lives.

Okay, so there are a couple key phrases in that last paragraph. "Given to me...to encourage them to believe in the only God..." and "...to achieve HIS dreams and plans for their lives." Not to encourage them to be a teacher, a rock star, a writer, a missionary, a mom or a wife...but to be looking to Him for direction and have confidence in the abilities and opportunities that He has given them. What I'm beginning to realize is just how easily our biggest strengths can become our biggest weaknesses when the point moves away from sanctification and becomes about ourselves.

I've done this in my own life as well as in the lives of others and I sincerely apologize to those I have cornered with a dream or a picture for their life, only to have them feel like a failure if it doesn't happen that way. Who am I to say I know exactly what God created them for and communicate it to them as though it is truth?! I make a really bad God. I tend to hear your heart, listen to your dreams, evaluate your gifts and abilities, and then create a vision, put it in a box and point you to it as though it is the "ultimate". Those dreams, those pictures of our future, and whatever vision you and I create are not the "ultimate". There is only one thing that is "ultimate" and worth pursuing in this life with our whole being, and that is Christ. I say that completely unapologetically. Dreams and goals, visions and plans are not bad in themselves, that's not what I'm saying at all. It becomes painful when we begin to depend on those pictures and dreams and hold onto them so tightly that we will be utterly devastated, frozen, or feel like a failure when our life looks differently, and it WILL look differently. The key is to clue into those things, be unafraid to compliment and encourage, but more than anything, be hopeful and thankful that God has perfected that future and pray that it looks a little different than what we see through our tiny lens. Because God's plan will bring you more satisfaction, peace, and joy than any picture we have in our minds.

Maybe I can better explain by letting you into my own life...
I had created a picture of my life based on the direction my life was going and the emotion and passion I felt. I painted this picture in my head and could not see outside of it. I built it up in my mind...everything from where I would live, where and how much I would work, who I would marry, the ministry I would be involved in and what that would look like on a daily basis. I wanted to live in California and run on the beach every morning, meet with women and mentor them through life, I wanted to be freelance floral designer, I wanted to be an incredible mom and learn to cook naturally and have a healthy family. I wanted to be the best friend and lover a man ever had and have my marriage and my life be "a shining example of God's ability and desire to restore".

That all sounds great, right? And it is, not a lot has changed as far as the desires I have for this life...except that I am beginning to realize that the pain I feel, the whole reason I am here, in Texas, starting over and alone with the Lord, is all due to the fact that I made this picture "ultimate". More than I wanted God, I wanted this picture. Then it was gone, and it hurt worse and felt more empty than anything I had ever experienced. And once that picture was gone, more than I wanted God, I wanted the pain to go away. That was my original motivation. Not to be alone with him, but to selfishly feel better. But of course, God used my desire for change and painlessness to get me here and alone with him. All this to show me that I have always wanted something more than Him. I was so willing to give my life, my whole being, change everything...for a man, or more for a picture of what that life would look like. But I have never been willing to give up my life to fall in love with my Savior. So, I'm here and I have a choice to keep pursuing painlessness or to open my hands and begin to start over, let God write my love story, my job story, my community story...my life story. Let go, let it hurt, and create new dreams, with a new hope that God has something better than what I see.

I love the weather here!

I know very little about the weather here. All I really know is that if the wind is blowing real hard, it's hailing and the sky is turning a flourecent green, you should get to the lowest part of your home and sit in a bathtub. ha! Aside from the very slim chance that will happen, the thunderstorms here are incredible! I love thunder, I love lightning and I love warm rain. I could dance around or go running in that weather any day! I was driving around the other day doing some inspections and I drove through this storm. In two of the pictures you can even see what a cloud looks like when it starts to rotate and drop below the others. (Or so I was told, like I said, I don't know much about all this yet, oh and don't worry mom and dad, I didn't do anything stupid, I just have a really great zoom on my camera. Besides they are very common and almost never turn into a tornado.) ha :) Anyway, I was reminded of God's awsomeness and power. You can really feel his strength and control when in the midst of a storm that turns the sky black and bursts into light in a moment. Enjoy the pics!

Time...

I've never had so much time on my hands. It's never been this quiet in my life. I've never had so much time to think myself crazy...or sane. :) I've needed this quiet for a long time. To gain perspective, to listen, to finally understand what it means to be still. It hurts sometimes to be still, doesn't it? Like, we can't slow down unless we're forced to. And when we do, we just think about a lot and realize a lot about ourselves, about others and about this life and what matters and what doesn't, and it makes my brain hurt. And I cry a lot. I've laughed and smiled a lot too though. But I've never laughed so much alone...if you saw me, you'd probably think I was crazy. But really, I think crazy is not taking the the time to laugh alone, at yourself, at your weaknesses and mistakes, at stupidity and all the things we get so caught up in that just don't matter all that much. Take time to laugh until you cry...just you and God.

Here are a couple things that I've learned and have really stood out to me. Isn't it funny how you could hear something over and over or even teach it to someone else and God chooses the exact moment that it becomes truth to you and pierces your heart?

In Genesis 1.28 it says for the first time that God said "TO" them(man and woman)..."
It is the first time that God speaks TO his creation rather that just at it. God gave counsel and direction to the man and woman even when things were still perfect, even when everything was still how it should be. God spoke to them and gave them counsel, not because things weren't perfect, but because he created man to be dependent on Him. We always run to God to fill and fix but we rarely ask for His guidance when all seems right with our world. We don't need Him because we have a lack of something, we need him to function correctly even before we are broken.

All sin struggles are generational or situational. Sons and daughters are affected by their surroundings and the ways they are raised. They will see that as normal and grow up in that only to take on those habits, fears, and unhealthy traits. Or we are affected by something traumatic and react to it. Until we reach a certain age where we begin to realize that it's not normal, it's not healthy, and we begin to struggle with knowing that truth. At that point, as soon as we realize our struggle, our sin area or our tendency to fall, that is the moment we can no longer blame other people, our parents, our circumstances, or our lack of something. Once you are taught the truth and your eyes are opened, it is then your choice whether to learn the truth and walk in it or choose to stay where you are, miserable and blaming others. A friend gave me a great analogy for this...
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, but it wasn't until almost a hundred years later that someone was bold enough, Martin Luther King, to begin to walk in that truth and assume him rights as a free man.
(Dut. 5.8-10 & Eph. 2.1-5 & 5.8-14)

Home and Office...

And now for everyone who wants to know where I'm working and where I'm living...this is probably the best story of God's provision yet!
I really felt strongly that I needed to work, live and do life in Denton. I was already driving to the church(which was an hour away from Arlington) three times a week and I just didn't want to continue to do that. I also knew that the friends and community I was going to begin to be involved with were all going to be in Denton. So, I had been in Arlington living with friends for almost two weeks and was not getting any responses from the jobs I had applied for near Denton. I got a few offers in the surrounding area but wasn't in any dire need so I turned them down and continued to wait for God to open the right door. I trusted, I had peace, I was totally ok.......until my bank account got really low. I began to get a little nervous and when a woman called me for an interview in a town called Irving, I said yes and scheduled an interview. I began to rationalize that I could live in the middle of Irving and Denton so it would only be about a 30 min drive either way. I went for the interview on a Friday and they asked me to come back for a second interview on Monday. I was a little discouraged on the way home, not usually the reaction when you are liked after an interview. :) So, I began to pray and realize that I was trying to take control and losing trust in what I felt God was saying to me all this time. I asked God to encourage me and let me know that he was still in control. When I woke up the next morning I received a call from a realtor in Denton. He asked me if I would interview with him Monday morning for an administrative assistant job. Then he told me that they were hoping to hire someone who was willing to relocate and live in a home they had recently remodeled and turned into a home/office. I kept it cool and told him I was definitely interested. I drove up to Denton that Monday and interviewed and before I got back home to Arlington, he had called and offered me the job. For those of you who are wondering...the amount I am "paying" out from my hourly compensation is nowhere near the amount that this living situation is worth. I have internet, cable, all utilities paid. The home is beautiful, fully furnished even in the kitchen with pots, pans, utensils and even spices! I didn't have to buy anything. He offered me the job on Monday and I moved in and started work that Wednesday! I am adjusting to working at home and there are a few things worth getting used to. I have no complaints, only praises! I only work 4 or 5 hours a day and I have the time to really spend with God and spend studying which is the whole reason why I am here. God truly took care of me, down to the details. There is no other explanation!